time eclipsed responsibility
edged off the horizon
my jet set life twisted and dived
into a burning broken heart, but still we
play feel good tunes on repeat
Every night…the same dream –
we stroll under soaring moonlit truth
to a marching melody of forgotten love
and rainbow hope
Morning comes, morning walk
through wildflower fields and I count to 224,
and deconstruct letters never sent
as a distant church bell so softly and sweetly calls
but I’m not yet out of time
as fragmented circles surround me
with no straight line solution
ready to seal my fate.
Written 21.5.2019, Folkestone, England.
Eight months have gone by now, last time I wrote it was Zwischenzeit …a time of in-betweens….now, it seems to never end, uncertainty, My life is stable, but Brexit bores are everywhere I look. I meet someone who seems kind and caring, then they say something dumb like”Oh the sooner we leave Europe the better!” and I just smile and think you are fucking nuts. Newspaper articles confuse me, so I turn to home life, to snapshot this peaceful view from my bedroom window where I can hide away from life. I listen to music, I read books and I make long telephone calls. Away from politics there’s much to do, like making food for my family (now I mostly skip the analysis I find all sorts of fun things in the newspaper to enrich my life, like the recipe of the day!)
I still believe. I still read adbusters, I still want to break down falsehood and lies and hysteria and all the things that disrupt a life lived less ordinary. I still pray and read the bible, and I still look for meaning. I saw a book yesterday, funnily enough it was after we met my capitalist father for coffee, and this little book was called “Not working why we have to stop working”. At that point my 2 year old daughter starting crazily running around and throwing books around so I couldn’t investigate further. Still I love the title.
Moment of joy >>>> taking the train to London, having the most perfect cappuccino I’ve ever tasted at a little Italian cafe but having to drink it at super speed as it took them 10 minutes to prepare this perfection. So I guess it seemed rude that we drank it in under 1 minute because we had to get to the theatre to see “Home, I’m darling” which was about as enjoyable as a play can possibly be!
Music I’ve finally picked up a Mark Kozelek album I’ve been meaning to buy for months, it’s heavy but enjoyable. I listen an awful lot to the wonderful Tom Petty boxset, and I’m loving the Norah Jones interview in Mojo magazine.
I’m going to write more, much more. It’s how I figure out meaning in this crazy lost but enriching and beautiful world we share.
Zwischen means not being too far away, reading newspapers and books, but no writing. No poems or stories, nor is it the time for tears or to start a whole new project, or way of life. It’s not a time to, once again, set a match to everything and watch the whole thing burn.
It’s a time to wait. A time to sing silly songs in your bedroom as the clock strikes 2 pm. It’s a time to put on a hypnotherapy cd and fall asleep within 2 minutes as the calm kind lady on the cd tells you to “go on that magic carpet to a special place you don’t need to tell anyone” . I don’t know what the lady says when I’m asleep, but I try not to think of Ian Fleming’s “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” ( where innocent people are hypnotised as they sleep to distribute bacteriological warfare agents throughout various parts of the world!)
It’s a time of in-between. Of taking a couple of weeks off school, to go on some beautiful walks in this amazing part of the world, to watch films and daydream about a better world. A time to spend an inspiring morning at an alternative school, there is a better world. You just got to find it.
I saw Wonder Boys the other night, I haven’t got round to reading the book yet, but I love this film. It’s about a writer, whose kind of washed up and his life is falling apart. Soundtrack by Bob Dylan. Here’s a clip :
The closest library here is a few miles away, it’s the kind where you still get your book stamped with the due date. It’s very charming. Anyway, I picked up Winter by Ali Smith, I’m a quarter way through. It’s very well written, like a snapshot of our lonely lost times. I also bought a book when I was in the city called “Why go to Church”. Funny title, but last time I went to church was 2 months ago and I counted 9 other people there, all far older than myself. Later that Sunday I couldn’t recall what the “message” was. These days I get better insight at the primary school daily worship assemblies. So, we’ll see.
To finish, here’s a beautiful little song. It was sung at the Oscars. Crazy world, but crazy love.
i had to escape. I moved far away, to a very old house down a little lane, where there are no cars, and not many people either. I live here where when you wake up, and it’s snowing outside, there’s no button to press for heating, you’ve got to go outside and gather some logs to make a fire to keep your family warm. It’s so quiet here, it’s a cottage lost in time. A place where you heat the water with coal, and a beautiful area where I’ve got a job at the little rural school across the fields.
It’s not a place to hide away and accept loss, and to cry about things gone wrong, it’s a place to re-connect with the world around you, and to be creative and to fight for believe in life and in love.
I feel home here. It’s where I’m suppose to be, hidden in a country cottage reading newspapers, writing poems, listening to music and embracing life for what it is, not to call it harsh or hard, but to accept the beauty of a single day. Walking home from work, I’ve never seen such epic stars above me which illuminate life. I have no choice but to look up and lose myself in the wonder of it all and marvel at Creation and Gods love for all of us.
Then there is music. I can’t get by without it anymore. We drove into the city today, for I still love the pulse of electricity around me, and I picked up these albums.
All the cool stuff comes from Australia. Earth Hour. Cute Koala Bears, Neighbours….and now Plastic Free July, which we’re trying to do here. As I try to focus strictly on words and guitars, this isn’t really the place to go on about how plastic is destroying our oceans, and how a million water bottles are bought every minute which is going to wreck our beautiful planet, but if you want to find out more go to www.plasticfreejuly.org and you can find out all sorts of interesting things like ways to make your own toothpaste!
Sitting here on a sweet summer evening, a baby rocking in her seat, a pile of magazines and books surround me – here’s a few the latest Atlantic magazine, Ethan Canin’s “a doubters almanac”, Norfolk Living magazine, Archie Married Life comic, and JJ’s “Land of Far Beyond” I’ve got Buffalo Tom in my head. These days I pretty much always have Buffalo Tom in my head, there were one of my first teenage crushes – seemingly exotic, romantic and effortlessly cool. They were American, and I always looked to American music and culture because already at 16 I was sick of England. Sick of old people going on about the beatles, and I always felt more connected to Generation X – Douglas Coupland, Richard Linklater films and the beat generation. Buffalo Tom were often playing at some gig in the tv show My So-Called Life (with Claire Danes), and I’d listen to them and daydream about going to an American school and meeting cool interesting girls like Angela and hanging out and playing pool with Jordan. I had to wait a couple of years until I got to do that….
Time for a couple more fun songs? Here’s a little punky poppy light and kind of silly band called Charly Bliss, good when you can’t hear anymore Trump news
Summer song of 2017 Alvvays 🙂
Been so caught up in the merry-go-round of school/children/domestic bliss/regretting regret/to-do-lists that I’ve not had time to capture much in writings, either poetic or here. Doesn’t matter, as I read in an essay by the American essayist Mark Grief that people waste their time trying to write diaries or take photos because people like that…like me….he argues do not fully experience life, but merely live in a fantasy escapism trying to catch time before it rushes on to the next experience. He says better to just drift through…Well, Marky Mark, I’ve been doing that a bit too much recently, and it somehow doesn’t quite fulfil me. Maybe I’m into escapism as I need to record words more than ever these days.
For my birthday I had a HMV voucher so I picked up the latest albums by Neil Young (Peace Trail) and Thurston Moore (Rock ‘n’ Roll Consciousness) Neil Young is here is railing on in an enjoyable way about how he doesn’t understands the modern world, and he’s angry with too about people messing with nature, native Americans and the workers, and it’s full of energy and protest. Thurston Moore is a nice collection of breezy 10 minute songs, with flowing guitars and a relentless drumming by good old Steve Shelley. It’s got Debbie Googe on too, and it feels like early 20th century sonic youth. That’s not a bad thing. I’ve been listening to it a lot driving to and from work, and it’s got the right balance of escapism and interesting lyrics to keep you focused after a crazy day working in a little school.
Been reading lots of interesting things. Really like this Dutch magazine called Flow. Also got a copy of the always brilliant and funny PJ O Rourke “How the hell did this happen” in which he attempts to understand how the hell Trump got elected. Also the new Gwendoline Riley “First Love” which I’m hoping will win the Baileys Women’s Prize for Fiction this year, because it’s the best modern novel I’ve read in ages. It’s sad and brutal though, but as I watch “Neighbours” everyday for 20 minute blasts of escapism in sunny Australia with nice happy one dimensional characters, I need to counter it with something like Gwen Riley.
Back in the late 80’s and early 90’s I use to get the Hits and the Now That’s What I Call Music compilation tapes, I use to play these all the time, and dance and sing along to bands like Duran Duran, INXS and New Kids on the Block. Then something strange happened , on one of these tapes in between Tiffany and Debbie Gibson was a weird Jesus and Mary Chain song called Reverence which just felt strange, loud swirling guitars and someone screaming “I wanna die just like Jesus Christ, I wanna die just like JFK”. At 10 years old it didn’t make any sense and freaked me out, so I’d always press fast forward on my tape to find Pet Shop Boys “Always on my mind”, and sing “Little things I should have said and done I never took the time” wildly with a hairbrush in my hand to my bemused looking border collie. Anyway…
Fast forward a couple of decades, and I no longer sing to a dog. In fact I don’t even have a dog, but I do have the Jesus and Marychain, and I absolutely adore them. They’ve got a new album out called Damage and Joy which you can also get on cassette, but their back catalogue is just unbelievable. In a dorky way I need to admit that their 1987 album darklands is one of my favourite all time albums. For no other reason than to celebrate their brilliance here is a collection of some of their best songs. Enjoy.
Conor Oberst is a guy I’ve been fascinated with ever since I first picked up a Bright Eyes EP back in Norwich in my hazy but happy post uni days dating an art school girl, we drifted in and out of cd shops scribbling Dr. Frank lyrics on paper airplanes and throwing them into open windows….Anyway, that’s another story….Yeah, that first Conor EP “Every day and Every night” it was amazing, it pulled me into another world. Songs like “on my way to work” and “a perfect sonnet” capture your imagination and set your heart on fire in a way few others songs have done since. Then came “Fevers and Mirrors” which just breezed somehow making emotional despair, confusion and sadness feel not just arty, but universal and a gateway to golden eternity.. No wonder Mark Kozelek is such a fan.
So, he’s been around a long time. I saw him once in 2002, he was drunk it was crazy. He made some good albums, some bad ones, and then last year had a mental health breakdown which he captured so brilliantly and elegantly in Ruminations which was by far my album of year. He then went on tour and sang with my hero Mark Kozelek (musically only), and then he releases, quite by surprise, Salutations. This is the re-working of Ruminations, so ok it’s lost it’s rawness, but it sounds more complete – a whole band doing lots of things on it! There are also seven extra songs on. I’m still going through it all but you can listen to it over at NPR now. Meanwhile here are a few of my favourite Conor songs from yeas-gone-by
One of the most brilliant writers of the 20th Century was Stefan Zweig, I don’t think anybody could express emotion or instability as well as he did.He did some crazy things in life, and there’s a thrilling biography out about him you can check out here if you’re looking for a more obscure story, here’s a throwback to something I wrote in my old days of magazine journalism
He wrote a novel called, in English, “Beware of Pity”. This has now been made into an a super intense razor sharp play that was performed in London last week. Sadly I couldn’t get to go, but the live steam is still up for a few more days. If you want to watch the grandmaster of intensity you can do so here. I doubt there will be a better or more powerful play out all year.
Then there is my favourite modern British writer Gwendoline Riley who has a new book out called “First Love”. If you’ve not heard of her before, you need to go to your local library or book shop and ask for either “Sick Notes”, “Cold Water”, or “Joshua Spassky”. A trilogy of brilliant short but addictive novels. She writes like a lonely British version of Holden Caulfield fighting against a world you’ll never understand. You can listen to her here talk about her
Talking of Salinger…New biopic “Rebel in the Rye” is out at the Sundance film festival. People say it’s predictable and dull. Still, people say a lot these days.
Finally, by far the best new band I’ve heard over the past year is Wild Pink. They have a new album out, released last week. You can listen to their radness below playing a couple of
So, back in the 90’s I was listening to this tape by some girl called Kristin Hersh. This tape was lent to me by a cool indie girl, who was constantly eating jelly babies and wearing Raccoons t shirts. Anyway, this tape was full of sad songs about being haunted by a nasty break-up, quite sweet but a little too acoustic for me, like a first love falling apart, and at 15 I didn’t have time for sad songs, I’d swap over pretty quick to my jesus and marychain tapes.
Here we are almost 25 years later, and I’m listening to some girl called Kristin Hersh and her sad songs about being haunted by a nasty break-up, but this time somethings different. The nasty break-up is over a 25 year marriage ending, and it’s not so sweet anymore. It’s actually pretty angry. She screams “Tell me no secrets and tell me no lies, I’m so fucking tired of dissolution”, and its an emotional enthralling mess of an album, full of rapid thoughts turning into short songs, angry songs, bitter songs, and there’s no acceptance here. No silver lining. It’s raw. It’s heartbreaking, but it’s amazing, I absolutely adore it. Just take a listen :